November 9th, 2023-Am I oversensitive? Or am I just bullied? Is this a blessing in disguise?

Dear November,

yesterday I met a girl in her final year at University, who asked me if she is oversensitive- apparently, she suffers from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

But at the same time, she told me about some experiences that were, in my eyes, socially created and painful: body-shaming, being ostracised by a group of colleagues; let’s say that independently of the reason, feeling you are no longer welcome by a group of peers is the definition of bullying to me.

It is important to work with oneself with the help of a therapist: why would someone be so affected by negative behaviour, ostracising and comments whereas someone else doesn’t? Is it resilience or the lack of it? Or is it also being in a position of vulnerability where you have a lot of negative experiences because you are perceived as weaker or alone?

Conversely, it is important to recognise the societal and cultural forms of inequality- it is not about you it is about the inequality! And find the courage to take action and look for support- get out of the victim position and take a step back to go forward!

I was told about a technique when negative thoughts of victimhood and pain arise: to let them take control for two minutes and then ask the following questions:

1.  Have I made any progress towards solving a problem?

2.  Do I understand something about a problem (or my feelings about it) that I

haven’t understood before?

3.  Do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this.

If I haven’t made any progress maybe it’s time to discuss it with someone I can trust and ask for help. Well, I decided to write about this issue. Having a therapist is also important, someone to hold our hand while we are on the journey of self-discovery.

Do I understand my feelings better than before? Possibly yes, because, for example, I can see a pattern there. How do I break out of it? All the talk about personal responsibility is important but it is also vital to recognise patterns of oppression.

If it’s not just me and it is my boss, or my parents, or someone hierarchically superior or a group and I am alone, what can I do in the face of helplessness?

Usually, bullies of any kind (could be a parent, a boss, a spouse, …) behave like this because they think their victim is alone and helpless and they would like to keep it this way.

But if you stretch out, you may find others who will stand by you and then you may change the culture that allows this to happen.

I have been bullied by my boss and I understand what that means. You are afraid to “make waves”: what if nobody hires you as someone who “creates problems”?

The girl I was talking to said that “it happened a lot to her”, so she was convinced it was something that was inherent in her.

When you are hurt by someone with more power, you feel alone and isolated, and this is the feeling that gives strength to the bully. If the people around you are not supportive, you don’t have any strength left to take it to the next level. This is how people who have suffered only find the courage to talk about it much later, when they feel secure. But this is just an illusion. When you realise it, others find the courage to speak up. I found some support at the time, but I was also ostracised. And it took me years to find the courage to move out of this environment.

When something reminds me of this situation I still feel afraid.

Then, usually, a feeling of guilt adds up: what if I wasn’t good at my job, what if I wasn’t lovable enough? That it was something in me?

Even if there is some truth to that, for different reasons, there is also the possibility to be an easy target for someone, due to circumstances.

Final question: do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this?

Well, less self-critical, definitely. Yes, there might be reasons why I feel this way. I might be more careful about the kind of group I get close to. Am I valued by this group? What is the group’s culture? If they criticise and ostracise someone else today, my turn will come tomorrow. Maybe it’s good to take some distance.

It’s better to be in touch with our own desires: what do I really want? What kind of relationships, what kind of surroundings?

Let’s go for it, and transform it into something that will give pleasure to other people also. Create! Love! Danse!

October 21, 2023- Relaxing-and how to avoid old demons

Hello October,

have you been through a traumatic experience that is filling you with terror? I guess some of my French work experiences can be categorised in this section.

A friend asked me about them and I felt again terrified.

How do we get over the feeling of being a tiny little ant in the vast Universe, where other huge, powerful and aggressive creatures make the rules?

Well, one way is to find smaller than us and to be happy with the comparison.

Another way is avoidance.

And a third way is to connect. Who said that ants aren’t powerful? A tiny creature holds the power of the Universe. They carry many times the weight of their own body. Ants are superheroes and super-heroines!

Another friend told me about the feeling of connection. We are connected with everyone, our hopes and wishes are related to our role in this world. Instead of feeling that we live in isolation, we can believe in the power of the WE.

After all, we are all manifestations of LIFE on the planet, we share so much in common even with plants such as rice, or trees and butterflies.

October 11, 2023-Meetings and recovering flu day

Hello October,

Yes, I thought this flu was over, but it makes me feel as if my hands and feet need to be ordered to move. How about my thoughts? I just finished a Duolingo lesson but it took me twice as much time.

Instead of a walk in the park, I took a shortcut today.

And then a meeting is coming, online. And a real one in the afternoon. I promised to get there so I need to be in shape pretty soon.

I’ll try some vitamin C.

And be grateful for whatever I may accomplish even if this is not perfect.

Surprisingly, after having a great meeting, my energy is building up.

May 9th, 2022: an almost adopted kitten

Dear May,

instead of working, as my guilty conscious whispered to me, I spend much of my day trying to adopt a kitten. Without much success. My intentions were honorable, though.

I met this five-month-old cat in a local café, trying to get the attention of the customers. She looked hungry, and she reminded me of a beloved garden cat who got kidnapped by a neighbor, known as “the German lady”.

In any case, my heart melted, and after some inquiries, the cat seemed to be all by herself, hungry and in a so and so shape.

In our garden, there is a sleeping spot, peace, food, and drinks twice a day; that’s my best offer for now. So I took some food, put the kitten in the box, and transported her to our garden. There, she enjoyed a three stars Michelin equivalent lunch and dinner for cats. She looked grateful and happy, and she took place by the front door.

However, when I went to look for her this morning, she was gone.

I was a bit worried. Would she be ok?

After all, it’s her decision. And I can’t take her inside, with the other cat who is a bit aggressive.

Can you adopt someone without their consent? In the case of my previous garden cat, he was the one who decided to adopt our garden.

Can we adopt someone if we are not adopted back?

March 25, 2021-One new experience every day for the next 30 days- day 1- Mandala game

Hello March,

After trying a “feel good journal”, intermittently for at least two weeks, I can say that the time I most enjoy is when I feel free to let my imagination run wild, with no restrictions nor guilt.

Blogging, journaling, walking around, day dreaming, etc.

If I don’t give myself some creative space, I just don’t want to focus on anything mundane.

This is the truth, and I’d better accept it.

Then, I make one hundred plans, and feel guilty of not fulfilling them all. Or that they go slower than I would have wanted them to.

Maybe this is it: I could just take steps, and stop worrying about the outcome.

Easier said, than done.

What if everyday life is bringing urgent issues to resolve, and we feel a bit stuck?

What if we recover from something, or wonder if we will see the end of the tunnel?

I came to the conclusion, that we need to feed our inner wolves. All of them. To keep the balance.

And to acknowledge what really makes us happy and incorporate it into our everyday life.

Next step, I decided to try a new experience every day.

For today, I have ordered a new board game, to play with my family.

https://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=927

February 24, 2021-Cognitive Flexibility to find new balance

Hello February,

when something takes us out of balance, literally or metaphorically, how do we establish a new balance? Has it ever happened to you, when one year you have 28 days and another 29?

Cognitive flexibility is something I read about, and it seems very appropriate to develop a new sense of balance and resilience.

After having some vertigo, I was told it is important to walk out and to use my brain to a new sense of balance. It’s probably the same when something is disturbing our mental or emotional balance.

A new one needs to be established and a flexibility in the way we see things is important.

I was talking to a friend who is looking for the love of her life during the pandemic. She mentions that she is decided to meet someone, but she excludes any form of online communication. In my eyes, this is a bit restrictive.

But I realise, that I am equally set in my ways, when someone else points out a way of action I don’t approve.

I might be more open in one respect, and closed and fixed in another.

But if we change everything, will we have principles after all? A strong sense of self?

Probably if we dissociate strong from fixed.

Strong is flexible. Strong is not afraid to mutate and to change.

I seem to believe that not many people will understand me and accept my lifestyle and goals.

Is this actually true?

Have I formulated and communicated what I want and believe to other people or spent more time hiding it to fit in?

That is something to consider 🙂

January 15, 2021-Post-a-day, day 10 out of 66- what happens when you skip a day?

Hello January,

what happens when you skip a day when you want to install a new habit? self-flagellation like in the Medieval times? When people were walking and hitting themselves for their wrongs and sins?

Well, maybe there are other new versions of that.

Instead, it could be, yes, I did, but I also had a very productive day. Should I start over? Maybe I should, actually. So, I had a reason.

Now what practically?

I suggest that I continue and I add the number of days I missed, so, instead of 66, 67 days

What else? Something fulfilling to relax instead of watching a series.

What could that be?

I was drawing a few years back, I could do it again,

Sending my poems to this interesting poet I met last year in London

Developing my. blog and creating ebooks,

That is something I can do, actually 🙂

https://www.thecuriouslycreative.com/list-of-creative-hobbies/

January 10, 2021- Post-a-day 6 out of 66- let your hair down

Hello January,

Sunday, I started the day feeling guilty: I meant to finish some work but instead I was in and out of the kitchen. At the same time, my room evolved into a place where a tidiness wizard like Marie Kondo might be needed: a mess.p

Staying so much time at home, it should have been easy to tidy up, my conscience said. But somehow tidiness looked full of difficult choices and having to face the past. Not always what you want to do on a Sunday.

How about my other decisions like cutting on sugar? I continued to have cake and chocolate.

On the second part of the day, I decided to take it easy.

After all, it’s Sunday, I can let myself go and do whatever I please, at home.

Yes, I started a new Netflix series: Lupin, (I just loved it).

On the positive side, I read about healthy nutrition and planning.

Tomorrow, is another day, and after all, writing a post-a-day is already an accomplishment 🙂

December 1st, 2020- Making place for what is important, day 10

Welcome December!

I went out for a walk this morning, it was kind of cold, with a cold wind lifting up the fallen leaves; and yet, this weather has a lot of energy, there is something to expect… in the air… something interesting…

So, yes, I make space for a nice cup of coffee with cinnamon and chocolate, and then I listened to some music and danced…

Not a lot of people is circulating, and we are wearing masks;

I fed the cat who now lives in the garden, Felix…

And then back to prepare online meetings…

It is great to be able to work from home at a time when work is not easy…

But more than that, I would like to prepare for something magical to happen, by making space for what is important on a daily basis;

I am writing a few lines in my new novel and also think of starting something in English that I would be able to share 🙂

July 11, 2020- Day 3 out of 66 for new habit

Hello July,

so, yes, the new habit has to do with feeling confident, capable and happy, in shape and ready to untangle any knot.

The day started creatively, with my new novel, great!

Today I got myself an exam I was postponing and received some of my stuff from Paris because I officially gave up my flat.

A lot of emotions to un-bottle: sadness for the end of my life in Paris, relief to get some of my books, anger at my almost boyfriend with realisation it’s for the best, worry about myself, stress, and also some creativity: writing my new novel.

Yesterday I had a haircut and in this way I did something for myself. I got a call from someone who is flirting but I didn’t pick up the call and then he was nowhere to be found.

Hmm, so in terms of mood things have been on both sides.

How do I focus on the bright positive and true?

How do I focus on my mission?

How do I see myself on the way and empowered?

Music, yes.

Happy memory by the seaside,

Visualise and project to a future of possible party.

To begin with, accept.

If something appears, or disappears, there may be a good reason for that.

And probably, this is the best for me, the time being.

There is a lesson to learn.

So, I am grateful to get it.

let me have my eyes open, to grasp it,

Thanks and again, thanks a lot!

https://sandraroman.fr/2018/12/31/10-bonnes-raisons-de-pratiquer-la-gratitude/