Dear November,
yesterday I met a girl in her final year at University, who asked me if she is oversensitive- apparently, she suffers from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.
But at the same time, she told me about some experiences that were, in my eyes, socially created and painful: body-shaming, being ostracised by a group of colleagues; let’s say that independently of the reason, feeling you are no longer welcome by a group of peers is the definition of bullying to me.
It is important to work with oneself with the help of a therapist: why would someone be so affected by negative behaviour, ostracising and comments whereas someone else doesn’t? Is it resilience or the lack of it? Or is it also being in a position of vulnerability where you have a lot of negative experiences because you are perceived as weaker or alone?
Conversely, it is important to recognise the societal and cultural forms of inequality- it is not about you it is about the inequality! And find the courage to take action and look for support- get out of the victim position and take a step back to go forward!
I was told about a technique when negative thoughts of victimhood and pain arise: to let them take control for two minutes and then ask the following questions:
1. Have I made any progress towards solving a problem?
2. Do I understand something about a problem (or my feelings about it) that I
haven’t understood before?
3. Do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this.
If I haven’t made any progress maybe it’s time to discuss it with someone I can trust and ask for help. Well, I decided to write about this issue. Having a therapist is also important, someone to hold our hand while we are on the journey of self-discovery.
Do I understand my feelings better than before? Possibly yes, because, for example, I can see a pattern there. How do I break out of it? All the talk about personal responsibility is important but it is also vital to recognise patterns of oppression.
If it’s not just me and it is my boss, or my parents, or someone hierarchically superior or a group and I am alone, what can I do in the face of helplessness?
Usually, bullies of any kind (could be a parent, a boss, a spouse, …) behave like this because they think their victim is alone and helpless and they would like to keep it this way.
But if you stretch out, you may find others who will stand by you and then you may change the culture that allows this to happen.
I have been bullied by my boss and I understand what that means. You are afraid to “make waves”: what if nobody hires you as someone who “creates problems”?
The girl I was talking to said that “it happened a lot to her”, so she was convinced it was something that was inherent in her.
When you are hurt by someone with more power, you feel alone and isolated, and this is the feeling that gives strength to the bully. If the people around you are not supportive, you don’t have any strength left to take it to the next level. This is how people who have suffered only find the courage to talk about it much later, when they feel secure. But this is just an illusion. When you realise it, others find the courage to speak up. I found some support at the time, but I was also ostracised. And it took me years to find the courage to move out of this environment.
When something reminds me of this situation I still feel afraid.
Then, usually, a feeling of guilt adds up: what if I wasn’t good at my job, what if I wasn’t lovable enough? That it was something in me?
Even if there is some truth to that, for different reasons, there is also the possibility to be an easy target for someone, due to circumstances.
Final question: do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this?
Well, less self-critical, definitely. Yes, there might be reasons why I feel this way. I might be more careful about the kind of group I get close to. Am I valued by this group? What is the group’s culture? If they criticise and ostracise someone else today, my turn will come tomorrow. Maybe it’s good to take some distance.
It’s better to be in touch with our own desires: what do I really want? What kind of relationships, what kind of surroundings?
Let’s go for it, and transform it into something that will give pleasure to other people also. Create! Love! Danse!
april4june6: A journal of self-tranformation 