My clothes and stuff is on boxes on the floor, I barely have space to walk and there are moths in my new room!
After moving in out and around between countries, and living with my parents during the pandemic, I am back to working face to face, with the mask as an accessory.
I bought a beautiful rose flower, a vase and a lavender pot to face the moths.
The rose was amazing and beautiful. The lavender pot that is supposed to serve as a remedy was half price. I wasn’t sure it will survive indoors.
These purchases reflect my current attitude:
Hope for a better future, with the rose
Fear with a plant that is not at its best.
I will give a chance to the lavender also, at least asking for advice to make it feel better.
Hope and fear might live in the same person.
But if we take more care of the hope, the fear might go away and do its job: guard us only when it is necessary.
Yesterday I decided to try something new every day, for 30 days. And for day 1, I saw a friend in need and decided to help out: I bought a board game he was selling, named ‘ The Isle of cats’.
It seemed like a great idea because I now live with my parents, there is lockdown, and what better than a board game in these conditions? Collaborative, engaging different parts of the brain than watching Netflix etc…
Right?
Wrong!!!
To begin with, I didn’t check the price when I was texting this friend. I was ready to spend Max 30 euros, and it ended up costing 55.
The second problem, when I opened the box I realised it is more difficult than I thought it would be. The Isle of Cats? you will say. For children older than 8? What is your intelligence level April? Minus 8?
Look, all the instructions are in English, and my folks don’t speak English. Then, this is designed in a way that is alien for 70 plus year olds who are culturally wired in a different way.
Something that a British 8 year old might do and enjoy easily, is not what a 70 plus year old from the South of France will enjoy.
So, I started thinking my decision to buy something I have not seen after texting a friend on Facebook was not the best way to act.
I was afraid to be stuck with a bunch of cats in the “Isle of Cats” by myself.
At least, I hope I have helped this friend.
Should I offer it to my god-son who is an 8 year old?
Maybe we could play it together.
So, this takes me to the second day.
I will try something new which will be cost-less.
I went to the garden and picked some wild flowers; I also asked people who were doing some work on the street what they were up to.
At the same time, while looking for a new thing to do I started stressing because I am procrastinating with my work.
How to deal with this?
Blocks of two hours and a break with a treat- can be a treat in the form of a cup of tea.
Actually, my colleagues in London just came up with a great idea!
when something takes us out of balance, literally or metaphorically, how do we establish a new balance? Has it ever happened to you, when one year you have 28 days and another 29?
Cognitive flexibility is something I read about, and it seems very appropriate to develop a new sense of balance and resilience.
After having some vertigo, I was told it is important to walk out and to use my brain to a new sense of balance. It’s probably the same when something is disturbing our mental or emotional balance.
A new one needs to be established and a flexibility in the way we see things is important.
I was talking to a friend who is looking for the love of her life during the pandemic. She mentions that she is decided to meet someone, but she excludes any form of online communication. In my eyes, this is a bit restrictive.
But I realise, that I am equally set in my ways, when someone else points out a way of action I don’t approve.
I might be more open in one respect, and closed and fixed in another.
But if we change everything, will we have principles after all? A strong sense of self?
Probably if we dissociate strong from fixed.
Strong is flexible. Strong is not afraid to mutate and to change.
I seem to believe that not many people will understand me and accept my lifestyle and goals.
Is this actually true?
Have I formulated and communicated what I want and believe to other people or spent more time hiding it to fit in?
Yes, I feel again energy to set goals and optimistic that they are realised day by day!
What if our goals are not in the same direction with those of our social circle or family?
Hmm, then, maybe we can try to find common ground, I would say. I have felt the tension for a few years, with my family wanting me to live nearby and myself wandering around, and the worst not having much material evidence to prove my choice was a good idea.
In any case, being an artist and wanting to “create” one’s world is a path with tensions and tears, but also joy.
Then what, should I have stayed at home?
We’ll never know, but I have read that a ship is not made to stay in the harbour, so as a young person, we are meant to face our own struggles, learn and give our best!
It doesn’t matter how we fail as long a s we learn for next time!
How about Love then, have I learnt anything?
I have loved and hurt, my big love is now living with another woman and they have a child together. He hates being with her, but he made his choice. And I think it is the right one, because he is used to toxic relationships and I am not.
Despite my attraction for toxic people, I catch myself and get back to my path. And in this path, I am optimistic that love without a toxic side is possible. Love where you are happy to see the other person grow, and where a partner, a parent, a friend is not someone who is putting us in prison, but someone with fly along with.
I spent most of the day cooking and eating delicious food with my parents, talking to dear friends through zoom.
This is such a great time to connect with people we love!
Friends I am grateful for their help in difficult times
Friends who might need me
Friends with whom we share a good laugh, our tears, and fears
Friend I might have a crush on
A letter to Santa is something I would like to end my first day of the year: Santa is supposed to be done by now, but this is why I hope to get his attention since the pressure is off.
Asking for the good things, for us all: Magic, Beauty, Abundance, Hope, Health, Luck.
We have a chance to make things right and to grow to be better people this year.
Christmas is here, and I feel as if I need permission to do some things for myself. Like, to buy something I, kind of, like. It seemed as if my life’s mission was to make my parents happy and I didn’t succeed in that. I have started an artistic career with ups and downs and many times in the past, I have relied on them. When they needed my help, I wasn’t able to give all the help they needed without feeling overwhelmed. The lockdown brought me back in my hometown and my parents’ home and accentuated this feeling.
It is difficult to acknowledge that I am doing the best I can and despite of my success, I have the right to feel ok with it no matter what.
I have the right to be happy, in the NOW despite of anything. The right to be around people who are loving in a generous and balanced way and to be this kind of person; people who love in a way that allows the other to grow; people who support other people’s happiness without asking you to sacrifice for them; also those who know how to build healthy boundaries between themselves and other people’s expectations.
Something I definitely need to learn because my love life in the past involved someone I wanted to “save” and who ended up hurting me; I understood it doesn’t make sense to try to “help” others if they don’t want to change. And if I don’t change, I will be the accessory of this type of pathology.
TODAY it is ok to be happy for myself, for who I have been and who I am becoming!
I want to create my community of like-minded but diverse people.
I want to travel the world and bring happiness, connect people, work for the world Democracy, Peace and Beauty, Life in the planet!
yes, Christmas is approaching and lockdown brings me back to my parents’ home as an adult, and it would have almost been my worst nightmare when I was an adolescent, if it hadn’t been worse two years ago. Because two years ago, I had all that, plus, I didn’t have a job.
And still, when I look to pictures two years back, I was smiling and found a way to be happy. And a few years back it felt even worse to fail something. I just decided to continue the effort no matter what.
My point is, despite having had some “wins” in my life, like a good degree, good notes, initiating an artistic network in Paris which brought together important figures, I couldn’t support myself and my relationships sucked.
I have faced situations like finding only a horrid job and being fired from it, or seeing years pass and nothing tangible coming up.
Until I didn’t have any more psychological resources. And then, somehow I got them back. My faith also.
SO, even when my material resources were over, and my old world was crumbling under my feet, I had psychological resources and FAITH, not to a particular goal, not to show anyone anything, not to shut up any critic, but to continue looking for a path, learning from other people and not afraid to be wrong if that meant I would keep on learning.
This got me into a job I could support myself with, but where I suffered from bullying and bad work environment. I kept looking and I got a much better one. And finally, had the possibility to resign from something I didn’t want.
So, this lockdown, apart from other things, is a good time to readjust goals and decide what makes my heart sing today, instead of reaching goals for anyone else.
And this happens when SELF GROWTH becomes the goal, independent of age, instead of reaching any specific goal. How can I keep learning and developing my full potential as a human being? How to balance relationships with decisions on our own personal path?
Back to school and grateful to have found a job in these challenging times… how do I stay on top of the game in this new place?
It’s exciting, but also scary in the sense that I want to do my best but also keep my balance and enjoy every day;
I will set myself a 33 day challenge to keep calm, focused, productive and have lots of fun!!!
Yes, it is possible!!!
And yes, I have other challenging situations to deal with as for example parents with health issues, working from their home after many years being away… etc.
How do we have fun every day no matter what?
A funny joke would do:-)
After an intensive week my nerves are stretched, so how do I keep my calm, motivation, productivity and creative vibe?
Some dancing could help, and not trying to fulfil everybody’s expectations
Dancing is great, you feel in synch with the rhythm of the universe 🙂
yes, day 7 for new habits of taking care of me: what next? I am having a coffee with a friend today. How about organising my space for working in better conditions?
In the meanwhile, I need to leave some space for fun.
Work, work and work. Responsibilities, demands, fears, pandemics, crisis etc.
They don’t seem to stop.
So what?
Imagine they are all resolved, and I feel completely capable to settle them.
Take a day off for all sorts of fun.
Recontact friends.
Do these nice things for ourselves, like eating healthy food, exercising and finally, hugging someone, and if no one is around, a pet, a favourite pillow, ourselves!
so, yes, the new habit has to do with feeling confident, capable and happy, in shape and ready to untangle any knot.
The day started creatively, with my new novel, great!
Today I got myself an exam I was postponing and received some of my stuff from Paris because I officially gave up my flat.
A lot of emotions to un-bottle: sadness for the end of my life in Paris, relief to get some of my books, anger at my almost boyfriend with realisation it’s for the best, worry about myself, stress, and also some creativity: writing my new novel.
Yesterday I had a haircut and in this way I did something for myself. I got a call from someone who is flirting but I didn’t pick up the call and then he was nowhere to be found.
Hmm, so in terms of mood things have been on both sides.
How do I focus on the bright positive and true?
How do I focus on my mission?
How do I see myself on the way and empowered?
Music, yes.
Happy memory by the seaside,
Visualise and project to a future of possible party.
To begin with, accept.
If something appears, or disappears, there may be a good reason for that.
And probably, this is the best for me, the time being.
april4june6: A journal of self-tranformation 