November 15, 2023-Flow and focus

Hello November,

yesterday I was lost in my thoughts and forgot about a meeting- I also remembered that I forgot about another meeting yesterday.

Something else that seemed to matter more and I was engrossed with it.

This can happen in the best-case scenario when we are in a state of “Flow”, enjoying ourselves or being so interested in what we do that the world vanishes.

It happens when we are sad, but also when we are in love, and happy. Or probably when we find ourselves in an altered state of consciousness, or take drugs.

We can have laser-focused attention, or we may just get lost in a forest of thoughts and not find our way back.

We can do so many different things.

How can we go towards the best?

Well, when we know where we are going, we find the way.

Where this is a Big question.

When we are decided to get there.

And to be decided we need to consider it worthwhile and important.

Where do I want to go?

My boyfriend asked me what kind of life I would like to live.

I want to live a happy and meaningful life for myself and others.

I want beauty and harmony and contribute in creating it.

I want to contribute at the best of my capacity to others’ happiness

I want to inspire and be inspired

I want to be fulfilled.

I want abundance in every sens of the word

I want growth at every moment and independently of age

I want love and intimacy

November 13, 2023-How to deal with bereavement after the loss of a parent

Dear November,

this is an emotional period: my birthday, but also the birthday of my mother who passed away a few months ago.

I was just on the phone with her co-worker and I felt very emotional when he told me he thinks of her very frequently as a valued colleague.

This thought touched me but also made me sad, feeling her loss again.

How do we deal with the natural emotions of sadness because someone close is no longer present?

This reality wakes up feelings that were forgotten. Guilt: have I done enough for them? Also, guilt against oneself: have I neglected myself while helping them?

Finally: who am I now that this significant person is not here and my role as daughter/or … is not active?

For those of us, who are lucky to have grown up having our parents, this shouldn’t be our most important relationship.

But it is not rare, especially for only children, to stay a bit too long in a role that seems secure, even though in reality, it isn’t. Being a family’s “child”, can be very restrictive. Not having settled down in a traditional way, with a new family unit, a stable partner, pet, home and financial security, makes things more complicated to transition to adulthood.

Being middle class seems to come later and later for many people, or just to evaporate.

How do you reach psychological adulthood and autonomy despite this?

Well, to begin with, we need to reach out and talk about our feelings to those who can lend a friendly ear, if we don’t have access to therapy. This person doesn’t need to provide any solution, just to listen carefully and to be compassionate.

In case we grow up with demanding parents who pushed us to succeed in a specific way and who were judgemental, it is always time to defend our younger selves and put our limits. We shouldn’t have to comply with a kind of love that is given only in certain conditions. “I will love you if you become a doctor, if you fulfil my expectations”, etc.

But what if we are afraid to be alone after that?

We may talk about it, write about it, and become vulnerable to someone who also feels alone. We might be surprised at how many people out there are like us.

We may ask the three questions:

1.  Have I made any progress towards solving a problem?

well, I feel bad and alone, but at least I understand where it comes from. I have a hard time with the freedom to be something else and the void left after an important loss.

2.  Do I understand something about a problem (or my feelings about it) that I

haven’t understood before?- yes, I understand that some part of the way I was loved was crossing healthy boundaries and it taught me wrong things about relationships.

3.  Do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this.

Well, I still feel sad, but I also feel I need to give credit to myself for coming this far! It is my job to express my feelings, to take credit and to take care of me in the best possible way! Eating well, sleeping, enjoying a carrot cake.

How about succeeding? Can I allow myself to succeed and to be loved by those I love?

It’s about time!

To have fun NOW!

November 9th, 2023-Am I oversensitive? Or am I just bullied? Is this a blessing in disguise?

Dear November,

yesterday I met a girl in her final year at University, who asked me if she is oversensitive- apparently, she suffers from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

But at the same time, she told me about some experiences that were, in my eyes, socially created and painful: body-shaming, being ostracised by a group of colleagues; let’s say that independently of the reason, feeling you are no longer welcome by a group of peers is the definition of bullying to me.

It is important to work with oneself with the help of a therapist: why would someone be so affected by negative behaviour, ostracising and comments whereas someone else doesn’t? Is it resilience or the lack of it? Or is it also being in a position of vulnerability where you have a lot of negative experiences because you are perceived as weaker or alone?

Conversely, it is important to recognise the societal and cultural forms of inequality- it is not about you it is about the inequality! And find the courage to take action and look for support- get out of the victim position and take a step back to go forward!

I was told about a technique when negative thoughts of victimhood and pain arise: to let them take control for two minutes and then ask the following questions:

1.  Have I made any progress towards solving a problem?

2.  Do I understand something about a problem (or my feelings about it) that I

haven’t understood before?

3.  Do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this.

If I haven’t made any progress maybe it’s time to discuss it with someone I can trust and ask for help. Well, I decided to write about this issue. Having a therapist is also important, someone to hold our hand while we are on the journey of self-discovery.

Do I understand my feelings better than before? Possibly yes, because, for example, I can see a pattern there. How do I break out of it? All the talk about personal responsibility is important but it is also vital to recognise patterns of oppression.

If it’s not just me and it is my boss, or my parents, or someone hierarchically superior or a group and I am alone, what can I do in the face of helplessness?

Usually, bullies of any kind (could be a parent, a boss, a spouse, …) behave like this because they think their victim is alone and helpless and they would like to keep it this way.

But if you stretch out, you may find others who will stand by you and then you may change the culture that allows this to happen.

I have been bullied by my boss and I understand what that means. You are afraid to “make waves”: what if nobody hires you as someone who “creates problems”?

The girl I was talking to said that “it happened a lot to her”, so she was convinced it was something that was inherent in her.

When you are hurt by someone with more power, you feel alone and isolated, and this is the feeling that gives strength to the bully. If the people around you are not supportive, you don’t have any strength left to take it to the next level. This is how people who have suffered only find the courage to talk about it much later, when they feel secure. But this is just an illusion. When you realise it, others find the courage to speak up. I found some support at the time, but I was also ostracised. And it took me years to find the courage to move out of this environment.

When something reminds me of this situation I still feel afraid.

Then, usually, a feeling of guilt adds up: what if I wasn’t good at my job, what if I wasn’t lovable enough? That it was something in me?

Even if there is some truth to that, for different reasons, there is also the possibility to be an easy target for someone, due to circumstances.

Final question: do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this?

Well, less self-critical, definitely. Yes, there might be reasons why I feel this way. I might be more careful about the kind of group I get close to. Am I valued by this group? What is the group’s culture? If they criticise and ostracise someone else today, my turn will come tomorrow. Maybe it’s good to take some distance.

It’s better to be in touch with our own desires: what do I really want? What kind of relationships, what kind of surroundings?

Let’s go for it, and transform it into something that will give pleasure to other people also. Create! Love! Danse!