November 15, 2023-Flow and focus

Hello November,

yesterday I was lost in my thoughts and forgot about a meeting- I also remembered that I forgot about another meeting yesterday.

Something else that seemed to matter more and I was engrossed with it.

This can happen in the best-case scenario when we are in a state of “Flow”, enjoying ourselves or being so interested in what we do that the world vanishes.

It happens when we are sad, but also when we are in love, and happy. Or probably when we find ourselves in an altered state of consciousness, or take drugs.

We can have laser-focused attention, or we may just get lost in a forest of thoughts and not find our way back.

We can do so many different things.

How can we go towards the best?

Well, when we know where we are going, we find the way.

Where this is a Big question.

When we are decided to get there.

And to be decided we need to consider it worthwhile and important.

Where do I want to go?

My boyfriend asked me what kind of life I would like to live.

I want to live a happy and meaningful life for myself and others.

I want beauty and harmony and contribute in creating it.

I want to contribute at the best of my capacity to others’ happiness

I want to inspire and be inspired

I want to be fulfilled.

I want abundance in every sens of the word

I want growth at every moment and independently of age

I want love and intimacy

November 13, 2023-How to deal with bereavement after the loss of a parent

Dear November,

this is an emotional period: my birthday, but also the birthday of my mother who passed away a few months ago.

I was just on the phone with her co-worker and I felt very emotional when he told me he thinks of her very frequently as a valued colleague.

This thought touched me but also made me sad, feeling her loss again.

How do we deal with the natural emotions of sadness because someone close is no longer present?

This reality wakes up feelings that were forgotten. Guilt: have I done enough for them? Also, guilt against oneself: have I neglected myself while helping them?

Finally: who am I now that this significant person is not here and my role as daughter/or … is not active?

For those of us, who are lucky to have grown up having our parents, this shouldn’t be our most important relationship.

But it is not rare, especially for only children, to stay a bit too long in a role that seems secure, even though in reality, it isn’t. Being a family’s “child”, can be very restrictive. Not having settled down in a traditional way, with a new family unit, a stable partner, pet, home and financial security, makes things more complicated to transition to adulthood.

Being middle class seems to come later and later for many people, or just to evaporate.

How do you reach psychological adulthood and autonomy despite this?

Well, to begin with, we need to reach out and talk about our feelings to those who can lend a friendly ear, if we don’t have access to therapy. This person doesn’t need to provide any solution, just to listen carefully and to be compassionate.

In case we grow up with demanding parents who pushed us to succeed in a specific way and who were judgemental, it is always time to defend our younger selves and put our limits. We shouldn’t have to comply with a kind of love that is given only in certain conditions. “I will love you if you become a doctor, if you fulfil my expectations”, etc.

But what if we are afraid to be alone after that?

We may talk about it, write about it, and become vulnerable to someone who also feels alone. We might be surprised at how many people out there are like us.

We may ask the three questions:

1.  Have I made any progress towards solving a problem?

well, I feel bad and alone, but at least I understand where it comes from. I have a hard time with the freedom to be something else and the void left after an important loss.

2.  Do I understand something about a problem (or my feelings about it) that I

haven’t understood before?- yes, I understand that some part of the way I was loved was crossing healthy boundaries and it taught me wrong things about relationships.

3.  Do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this.

Well, I still feel sad, but I also feel I need to give credit to myself for coming this far! It is my job to express my feelings, to take credit and to take care of me in the best possible way! Eating well, sleeping, enjoying a carrot cake.

How about succeeding? Can I allow myself to succeed and to be loved by those I love?

It’s about time!

To have fun NOW!

November 9th, 2023-Am I oversensitive? Or am I just bullied? Is this a blessing in disguise?

Dear November,

yesterday I met a girl in her final year at University, who asked me if she is oversensitive- apparently, she suffers from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

But at the same time, she told me about some experiences that were, in my eyes, socially created and painful: body-shaming, being ostracised by a group of colleagues; let’s say that independently of the reason, feeling you are no longer welcome by a group of peers is the definition of bullying to me.

It is important to work with oneself with the help of a therapist: why would someone be so affected by negative behaviour, ostracising and comments whereas someone else doesn’t? Is it resilience or the lack of it? Or is it also being in a position of vulnerability where you have a lot of negative experiences because you are perceived as weaker or alone?

Conversely, it is important to recognise the societal and cultural forms of inequality- it is not about you it is about the inequality! And find the courage to take action and look for support- get out of the victim position and take a step back to go forward!

I was told about a technique when negative thoughts of victimhood and pain arise: to let them take control for two minutes and then ask the following questions:

1.  Have I made any progress towards solving a problem?

2.  Do I understand something about a problem (or my feelings about it) that I

haven’t understood before?

3.  Do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this.

If I haven’t made any progress maybe it’s time to discuss it with someone I can trust and ask for help. Well, I decided to write about this issue. Having a therapist is also important, someone to hold our hand while we are on the journey of self-discovery.

Do I understand my feelings better than before? Possibly yes, because, for example, I can see a pattern there. How do I break out of it? All the talk about personal responsibility is important but it is also vital to recognise patterns of oppression.

If it’s not just me and it is my boss, or my parents, or someone hierarchically superior or a group and I am alone, what can I do in the face of helplessness?

Usually, bullies of any kind (could be a parent, a boss, a spouse, …) behave like this because they think their victim is alone and helpless and they would like to keep it this way.

But if you stretch out, you may find others who will stand by you and then you may change the culture that allows this to happen.

I have been bullied by my boss and I understand what that means. You are afraid to “make waves”: what if nobody hires you as someone who “creates problems”?

The girl I was talking to said that “it happened a lot to her”, so she was convinced it was something that was inherent in her.

When you are hurt by someone with more power, you feel alone and isolated, and this is the feeling that gives strength to the bully. If the people around you are not supportive, you don’t have any strength left to take it to the next level. This is how people who have suffered only find the courage to talk about it much later, when they feel secure. But this is just an illusion. When you realise it, others find the courage to speak up. I found some support at the time, but I was also ostracised. And it took me years to find the courage to move out of this environment.

When something reminds me of this situation I still feel afraid.

Then, usually, a feeling of guilt adds up: what if I wasn’t good at my job, what if I wasn’t lovable enough? That it was something in me?

Even if there is some truth to that, for different reasons, there is also the possibility to be an easy target for someone, due to circumstances.

Final question: do I feel less self-critical or less depressed than before I started thinking about this?

Well, less self-critical, definitely. Yes, there might be reasons why I feel this way. I might be more careful about the kind of group I get close to. Am I valued by this group? What is the group’s culture? If they criticise and ostracise someone else today, my turn will come tomorrow. Maybe it’s good to take some distance.

It’s better to be in touch with our own desires: what do I really want? What kind of relationships, what kind of surroundings?

Let’s go for it, and transform it into something that will give pleasure to other people also. Create! Love! Danse!

October 30, 2023: Fear of Success and how to get to the next level!

Hello October,

are you having any form of anxiety when you throw Halloween parties and gatherings? Just saying…

To be honest, after my intensive last week and its successful organisation, I feel a low energy and mood, a kind of “hangover”.

It might be normal for performers (is it? ) but why do I almost get sick after succeeding in something? Why worry that much -both that it might go wrong and that it might go well.

If it goes wrong, no need to explain why I would stress. It is easy to catastrophise.

But if it goes well?

What’s the problem then? You don’t see what is happening?

OK, I will explain.

I think that I expose myself as an Original, which, actually I am. It will be more challenging to hide and pretend I do melt in the crowd. In this case, this extra attention might also bring some people who like the status quo and who are annoyed by change. And they might give me a hard time.

Or if they are happy, they might ask me more of it. And what if I can’t deliver the second time? What if it was luck? (Yes, this is called the impostor syndrome).

Do I like to lead or do I like to follow? It seems that following doesn’t suit me, but I am a scared leader.

I was talking to a friend and I was belittling my accomplishments. No, it isn’t that important. I haven’t done that much.

Or maybe I am undeserving. Maybe there is a perfect type of path and I haven’t taken it. Perhaps I should have succeeded all in my 20s. Or even before.

Maybe I should have taken my neighbour’s opinion on what success is, their opinion on the age for a woman to have, or not, a career, a family, and of course, gorgeous looks.

Until recently, I couldn’t tick any box. But I was putting forward new ideas.

Is this something I would trade off for early bourgeois life? I couldn’t do it then and I am afraid, if I went back I couldn’t do otherwise.

So why not honour my choices?

PS. This is an inspiring book that I will go through again, thank you David J. Rogers!

October 26, 2023-The day after a Big Success

Hello October,

YES I DID IT!!!

I managed to put together a big event, also present my own work and it was a SUCCESS!!!

This means the participants were happy, the audience was delighted and we had a good turnout.

Oh, and not to mention, my boss was happy.

Now this is great, but I was sooo stressed that today I feel exhausted.

I don’t know how theatre actors perform daily. They are superheroes!

In any case, it was a very intensive period. I wondered what got me to suggest this project from the beginning. Couldn’t I just stay with what I was supposed to be doing?

On the other hand, remembering what I have been through in Paris, a few years back every time I had ideas and initiatives, was frightening enough to scare me.

All went well, but I realise I can’t let the past dictate the future.

And to do that, I will get myself exercising again.

Not the occasional walk in the park, but more serious stuff.

I got my mind on Tai-Chi for example.

I’ll keep you posted!

October 21, 2023- Relaxing-and how to avoid old demons

Hello October,

have you been through a traumatic experience that is filling you with terror? I guess some of my French work experiences can be categorised in this section.

A friend asked me about them and I felt again terrified.

How do we get over the feeling of being a tiny little ant in the vast Universe, where other huge, powerful and aggressive creatures make the rules?

Well, one way is to find smaller than us and to be happy with the comparison.

Another way is avoidance.

And a third way is to connect. Who said that ants aren’t powerful? A tiny creature holds the power of the Universe. They carry many times the weight of their own body. Ants are superheroes and super-heroines!

Another friend told me about the feeling of connection. We are connected with everyone, our hopes and wishes are related to our role in this world. Instead of feeling that we live in isolation, we can believe in the power of the WE.

After all, we are all manifestations of LIFE on the planet, we share so much in common even with plants such as rice, or trees and butterflies.

October 17 and 18- Flow: how to enjoy work

Hello October,

when I was a child, I dreamed of working in a state of flow: you know, what the psychologist Michaly Csikszentmihalyi coined as the state where you are the most productive, focused, and also enjoying the process.

I like what I do, but it seems to leave me tired the next day, stressing too much in the process.

My friend with whom I discussed it, has the same feeling. He was telling me that no matter how much he worked, it never seemed enough and on top of that he stressed.

So, how do we get there?

Is it the feeling of being judged? Wondering if x will be up to a certain level?

Or being afraid to succeed and to attract attention and comments? How about relationships? Meaningful time with significant others?

Energy recharging activities?

Flow Now!

October 16 -Rainy Day and “Past Lives” film

Hello October,

after a moody start and some reminiscences of old traumas (isn’t it scary to do something and put yourself out there?) I ended up working in the afternoon and then accepting an invitation to watch “Past Lives”.

Yes, it was great, and yes, I cried when this lovely almost-couple didn’t get to live together in the reality of the film.

We talked about love, romance and friendship.

How do we look for partners?

As the result of a list to check?

As the person who seems to want to be with us?

As the person who ignites a passionate attraction?

Does any of this guarantee Happiness?

October 13-14, 2023-Friends visiting weekend

Hey, October,

What’s up?

I have been busy with a good friend visiting this weekend, passing through London. He now works in Edinburgh, but we come from the same small town in the South of France.

It was a reel, pleasure!

We were a kind of classmates as we found ourselves in London as newbies five years ago.

We talked about a lot, but I also went out and felt again like Masters’ students! Regarding hanging out with friends, I specify. (The part where you stress about the future, your academic success, etc is less fun).

I wish to find myself again in a more permanent circle of family of my own making and friends that live and work nearby.

Photo by Monstera Production from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/happy-multiracial-friends-embracing-on-bench-after-basketball-training-5384621/

October 12, 2023-Rainy weather and staying positive

Hello October,

I go for a morning walk but somehow the morning starts slowly and I still need time to recover.

How is your morning?

It is rainy but still warm for the season in London.

The trees are beautiful with the autumn colours and the dogs are happy at the park.

I ran into an old friend with his dog as I was coming home. Promised to go and see him for coffee today.

Later I was in a discussion with two of my friends. The first intends to resign from her work and look for a better one. The second person mentioned someone who resigned from their work in marketing and then struggled for 7 months to get a new position.

Is it a good idea to resign before securing a new place?

I am not sure about this.

What do you think?