April 30- last day

Dear April,

this is our last day: of the month for you, of my stay in my hometown for me.

I decided it was the moment to call the publishing houses I had submitted my novel to. The first two answered they were not interested in my way of writing. Since this was not very encouraging, I went to the old town to swallow it. I looked at the view of the city and the river, to get some inspiration.

Just behind me, two friends in their early twenties, were discussing relationships. Interactions, feelings, priorities, values… The girl wanted respect and a space for her to grow as a person. I was amazed how mature they were, I still had things to learn from them. If my 20-year-old self were there, he wouldn’t be able to follow.

At this point, Alexandre and his mother, my friend A, showed up out of the blue. This meeting contributed to chase away my blues. We all took a photo to commemorate our new haircuts, Alexandre’s and mine. Yes, I had a haircut in my hometown first thing this morning, don’t let Parisians know I prefered a hometown stylist, please!

After that, I decided to call up the other two publishing houses and ask if they had any news for me. They told me my novel is still in the evaluation process, I should get back to them in July. That was more hopeful.

There was a family dinner at my place, and then we watched an old black and white film. The main character, a 17-year-old girl, in love with a slightly older college professor, managed to get him interested in her. She knew what she wanted, and was acting in this direction. The film, produced in the early 1960’s showed a girl who also wanted to study. The professor was going to help her get accepted in the University.

My friend A also got the man she wanted. They might fight as the parents of two babies, but still, they are very close and complementary.

Each one has a quality, highly valued by the other.

 

 

 

 

April 23- love and secret identities

Hey April

You were supposed to be sunny but you were also cloudy today. My deadline for the application is tomorrow, so I worked on the CV and some other documents, from the same spot of the local café.

But there is something that was distracting me the whole day: the conversation I had on the phone with my old flame, the day before.

Here we were, talking after two years. When I practically “disappeared” after I learnt he had been unfaithful. Why didn’t I tell him he hurt me? Instead of saying something like: “I wish you good luck”! I could have been angry, face him.

Was it pride? Partly, yes.

I thought, this makes no sense, if I just don’t want to see him again. You communicate when you want to continue a relationship and try to work things out.

Two years later, I pretended being kind of cynical or “blasée”, like him.

Why not show my emotions and say what I really want? I was afraid of being hurt, of course. Or, that I would have been considered naïve.

It can be fun to have a secret identity online. You hide, but at the same time this allows you to reveal an important aspect of yourself.

But when it comes to love, shouldn’t I take off the mask to connect to another person?

April 12- Into the woods

April hello again

April 12-“Into the Woods”

I have been ‘Into the Woods” tonight, in other words, to watch Stephen Sodheim’s musical at the theater of Châtelet in Paris. The music so beautiful, but  the script by James Lapine is a form of dilemma:

a. is what we wish what we really want and need?

b. are we happier when we get what we wish for?

Cinderella, Little Red Hood and some other fairy tale heroes are the main characters who face this dilemma.

In the case of Cinderella, that interests me more, she gets married to the prince only to realize that he is unfaithful, superficial and a pure egoist.

So what to do? She quits her job as a princess and decides to get together with a baker who recently lost his wife and raise his child. Oh, and she is ready to go back to her cleaning habits.

Seriously, Stephen and James is that what you wish for us women?

Are you telling me to forget the prince and the artistic projects and practice my cooking skills?

Ok, I admit that a prince that is chosen only because he has power, looks, and wealth, does not guarantee happiness. Once you get used to these attributes, they mean nothing.

So what does true love look like? Does it have to be the baker? Is he in any way “better than” the prince?

What am I looking for?

Feeling good, in every possible way, being completed and complementary, fulfilling a purpose together.

Is what we wish for what we need?

The only way to know is to make my wish come true and if not, then learn from experience and make another wish!

 

 

 

April 11- Pink Champaign

Dear April,

today’s post is like the Champaign that a friend greeted us with at the dinner party I went: pink. And the conversation that followed, took the form of its bubbles:

Love, passion, family, relationships, work. Relationship between parents and children. Between couples. Between future couples. Dating. Almost dating. Traveling, what have we left behind?

Friendship is a way to create an extended self, to share and reflect on our own experience.

Do we learn things on intimate relationships from conversations with friends? For years I thought no. Because I had friends without much experience from (love) life, like me, and our analysis was not of much use.

And now?

Now I take more risks. And my friends have more and more varied experiences.

Now I write a blog 🙂

And what of the rest of the day?

I managed to fix a meeting with an art director, in two weeks. It is another step in the direction of the job of my dreams. I don’t know how many steps there are, but I am moving.

The day left a nice flavour.

 

April 9- the threshold

April hello again,

I read in another blog that the threshold is the turning point; at least it is like that I understood the citation.

Do I have any evidence to sustain this belief? Absolutely no.

Do I need any? Of course not.

When did I get this feeling? A few minutes ago, as I started writing.

The highlight of the day has been lunch with N, and his younger associate. In the restaurant close to the headquarters of our Platform, where you easily run into people related to event organization, and artists. N was just behind me, and after the traditional “bise” accompanied with a smile, he seemed to be looking for an opening line. I asked him if he was expecting company. He said yes, and his associate appeared. But they could join me if I wanted to.

I accepted since I had already parked my trench and hand bag in one of the tables. N asked me to present myself, and what I do in life to his associate. It was a challenge but I managed to face it. I presented one of my projects for this summer, which will take place by the sea in the South of France. He seemed interested. I promised to email him more information.

When I reported this conversation to a good friend, she told me that people of our generation don’t know what they want. There is a miscommunication with ourselves and with others: are we talking about business? Or does it concern pleasure? Do I like this person? Does he like me? I don’t have a clue. Does he want to participate in my event because he likes the spot by the sea?

The confusion between working and dating has been present in my life with some rare exceptions. C, the guy who doesn’t have a clue about what I do, and M, my former fiancé who wanted me to give it up to dedicate myself to him. This is why he is my ex.

So merging work and pleasure is not a bad thing as such. May be the summer project is an opportunity to see if N and I can communicate in a deeper level than the style of my shoes. I will try to be less susceptible to see what happens.

And, if he performs in the event, it is already a plus.

 

April 8- windy Paris

Hey, April, it was windy today,

and I need a powerful and disinterested mentor in my field.

That was the main objective of the day. So I had a meeting with L, who gathers all the prerequisites for the job: a kind of godfather, so to speak, whose mission is to transform my professional dreams into reality.

We met in the head-quarters of our work platform, during his break. He drunk a coke, I took a “noisette”, an espresso with some milk. I suggested two projects and asked him if he would be interested to collaborate. He liked the idea. He just warned me to be cautious and make sure we have the necessary means to create the events.

He advised me to see another powerful person for this reason.

This rendezvous made me hungry. As I went to a nearby restaurant, I fell on a colleague who succeeded to get funding for her event. She was there with one of her partners, and asked me to join them. Am I a bit jealous? No, my time is coming soon!

Just after, it was the moment to see K, the Argentinian artist who is in Paris for a few days. We had met three years ago. He was in love with me, and I liked him a lot. We had projects together. He had to go back to his country. I was not into him enough to follow him.

And I need someone right here. Going to the same café

 

April 7 : changing or not?

Dear April,

you changed every possible mood today: sunny, rainy, windy, cloudy, the only thing we didn’t have was snow; at least in Paris.

The same thing happened to me: the day ended happily with a drink in one of the small cafés of my street, chatting with a friend who is at the end of her job contract and actively searching…

But before that…

I had a meeting with the Big Boss, the no 1 of our platform.

Eh… how can I explain this? I don’t have a salary, but I have an office and people who boss us around telling us that we should organize successful events and bring money to the platform… if that makes any sense to you. It is as if I have a franchise of a company, but it is up to me to make money out of this, and when it comes to artistic production it is not that easy. At least this is what I tell myself.

So, any change today from what I usually do?

Yes, because I tried a new strategy: the wannabe boss who had insulted me a week ago, is no 2 in this structure. My plan was to see no 1 and propose something that would take me to a different level. And in big part, it succeeded. That is, no 1 found that I have a clear vision. He referred me to other people who can help me materialize it. Even if things don’t work exactly as expected, there is a new dynamic.

All I need is to go towards people who respect my ideas, or discuss them with an open spirit, and don’t try to put me down. As the no 2 does.

Ok, so professionally, there is progress: a new strategy, a vision or project that will eventually liberate me from the dragon and will empower me.

How about love?

Eh, I had an email from C, an Italian I dated twice -last week. He wants to see me when he comes back from his short trip in Hungary.

C was warm and demonstrative, he also cooks nice pasta and likes to clean up the house- or so he said. He found me irresistible, on the first date.

But, when he learnt I don’t have a regular job, he considered me strange, and he was not thrilled of an artistic project that doesn’t make money. He didn’t share my belief that my future book will make a successful film in Hollywood.

Well C, I don’t know if I will become a multimillionaire- or not- from my art, but I need a guy who loves me the way I am every day: changing.

April, May and June. Seasons change, they are all beautiful. The same are women.

 

April 5

Hello dear April,

how can I describe this Saturday? A lazy and productive day, yes, it is possible to combine the two:

to begin with, coffee with my best friend. I wondered if I should or not go out  with a friend who is divorcing and is going through a hard time. He has a two year old daughter that makes things more complex.

The idea was to lift his spirit, but I was not sure I was up to this mission by myself. What if I invited him with another friend? Or invite him to a comedy?

This triggered a discussion about the best couples we know, and those who are disfunctional. Is there a recipie? Difficult to say. Especially when neither of us has experienced a very successful relationship, in the past, so it is just speculating.

In the cases of disfunctional couples, we found people who had different values and would not stand those of their partner. In the case of the most successful ones, cases where the partners seemed to be complementary, and who are investing in the relationship: for example learning their partner’s language, if they come from a different background (or trying).

Is this enough for a sparkle? Mmm, no idea…

How about some practice?

I had a friendly-professional lunch in my favorite café, close to where I live. At the same time, there is a guy I like who always has lunch there on Saturdays, B. Since my friend was late, there was a chance to chatt with him. Isn’t he wonderful! But he always comes with friends and we don’t say much more than: “hi how are you? I am expecting a friend who is late! Oh, she is a Mexican, that explains… (sorry to the Mexicans, he was joking …). And a “bise” of course. The French kisses that serve to greet friends.

When is he going to realize that I am the woman of his dreams and make his declaration in front of all the café customers?

By the way, the friendly-professional lunch went well, we exchanged information on our field, and possibilities for collaboration, with some gossiping of course 🙂

Oh, the divorced friend was in charge of his daughter, so I didn’t have to take him out. This time.