May 26, 2015- Getting clear about what I want

Dear May,

have you have ever felt confused about something you did? You decide for example that you want more flowers, and instead of the good weather that we normally expect, you become windy and cold, one day, warm the next. I had also decided to go in one direction and then I just did something that points into another!

Let me explain: for quiet some time I have been working on an artistic project and would like to get it funded. I am at a crossroad right now professionally speaking, and not only. I am going to move out of my office at the Platform and out of the mean wannabe boss.

So I thought this is a good time to get in touch again with people who I have met the last years and I appreciate. They could become a source of inspiration. Among them, a young informatics guy who is helping artists with their installations. I decided to call him because he is very competent and he has always been on my side. I thought this would motivate me.

When we had met, I was working on something different which I have put aside. I could call it my plan B. So naturally, he mentioned it right away. He thought I called him for this purpose, and started giving me ideas and suggestions. He is so eager to help me, that he is ready to lend me a book that would be most helpful.

I am so grateful, but I also felt overwhelmed because I accepted to borrow this book. And I feel bad because I didn’t dare tell him I am not interested.

I should have said: N, look, I just wanted to talk, or see you because you are a vitamin. But I am not on plan B right now. I work on plan  A.

Am I going to borrow his book this Friday or excuse myself and do something else?

I need to be clear with my purposes and feelings; say what I want and need!




February 7- Saturday night

Dear Saturday February,

Instead of being at the bar for a drink with my friends I am working! But I work at my new favorite café 😉 At least until they lower the lights and I can’t see my own notes.

Were I at home, I would have felt deprived in a way. But this combination of café-bar and work, suits me. The only problem is I might need to watch my budget more closely! I promised myself to end it this weekend, and then I will go back to the Platform to face my ex wannabe boss and negotiate. So, let’s do it!

Actually, I am the only person working. I am surrounded by couples, and despite my superhuman concentration, this makes me think of Valentines and Saint-Valentine.

I thought about B, my former café-crush, who I met earlier, and felt confused. He is so warm in public, and yet, he avoids more contact -like a date for example. He might have someone in his life, or not like women but why does he cultivate this form of ambiguity? Is he like Victor Legris, the detective of the novel I have been reading? May be he is afraid of the powerful attraction I exercise over him. “The bise” with me, the greeting kiss “à la française”, already makes him dizzy.  So, going out for coffee might be too much: he’s scared that it might turn him into my slave for ever.

Ok, I will have to accept this. What is more, my first passionate love, of the time I was 20, H, came back to town. H hurt me, so I had stopped any contact with him years ago. Now back to Paris with his family, he tries to get in touch again. I am not sure I like this.

What I would like, is a good-hearted and clear-minded Valentine for the 14!

Amour Paris