February 25, 2016: day 29 out of 60 day challenge- on emotions

Hello Feb,

I take the liberty of calling you like this because you have been around for a while. Yesterday I was wondering if I was falling in love. Today I realized that I put the wrong date on my blog-post, another sign that my emotions are upside-down.

Is the object of my attention and the cause of the lack of focus worthy of this honour?

It is too early to say.

But in any case, emotions are valuable, and falling in love is a hell of a way to feel human, alive and … ready for spring-time 😉


June 25- Are feelings transparent?

Dear June,

this is the second day I spent at the 13 arrondissement of Paris. I was to meet a friend and some colleagues of his, close to the metro Tolbiac. It was practically the first time I was in this particular neighborhood, although I happened to walk in the same street a few days ago, but at a different level. It is a very urban part of Paris, and very lively in terms of bars and cafés, probably because of the University that is situated nearby. This friend of mine was staying in a hotel at this area, so it was very practical to meet there.

For some reason, I was in a very good mood. Not that I haven’t been in a good mood before. But I couldn’t find any particular reason for it. Another friend of mine, a man with a lot of experience in his 60s, told me I look as a woman in love. And that everybody who knows me is aware of it. Is it so easy to tell?

My “business meeting” with this group of people went well. They all work for the realization of exhibitions. Some of them are in transit to another place, planning to leave Paris at the end of the week. With an ambiance between work and holidays.

Are we aware of our feelings? Or could it be that some acute observers could know more about our state than ourselves? For example I couldn’t associate the idea of  being in a good mood with the state of feeling in love with B or anyone else. Is it what happened to the metro driver of the line 6 on my way home the same night? He started singing at the microphone, and from time to time was asking the passengers or his”public” of their opinion. Not that the public could react, but it was so funny! We started laughing with two or three other passengers, three girls in their 20s. They were very enthusiastic and would love to get to know him and ask him to be their Facebook friend.

Could it be that he would like to be auditioned as a singer?

That he wanted to entertain the passengers?

Or was he someone in love?

Anyway, here is his music selection:

June 15- Friends

Dear June,

it was windy and cloudy and sunny the whole day, but agreeable for walking around! The day has been a friend-day: to begin with, I saw two friends who live across the street, one who is in Paris and another who was visiting from another city. They wanted to make a tour to the different art exhibitions of the city. I had been doing this last weekend, so we just chatted for a while and then we went our separate ways.

Then I went to a café where some of my hometown friends meet from time to time. I haven’t seen them in the last four months, it was good to catch up: things were going swell for most: new girlfriend for one of them, new job for another, the return of a daughter for an older one. It was good to be around. It gave me a sense of community.

And then, I ended up having lunch with one of these friends, at my favorite Sunday place, where I also use to see B, his friends and family. He didn’t come and I was a bit disappointed. At the same time I thought that I should realize I was living an illusion and go on. My friend who is single, was telling me that she had been madly in love for a year with a neighbor. This love was not returned and it was frustrating. They were both students at the time. All she could think and talk about, was him. Any other conversation was not interesting to her. On his side, he might have been ok for a brief adventure, or a sex-friendship, but that was all.

Now she wanted to live a love that is returned.

In the third café of the day, I saw B’s close friend. He was alone at the terrace, not far from the entrance. One of the people who are always with B. He has never officially presented us though, so I don’t even know his name. I greeted him from a distance, but didn’t go to talk to him, although he seemed to be willing to. I felt shy.

When he decided to leave, he came to me for a “bise”, and to say hi, how are you. That was sweet of him. Maybe now, even if I still don’t know his name, we are entitled to talk according to the protocol.

What is his relationship with B? Have they talked about me? Or not? I didn’t want to ask why he wasn’t there. I know it was also father’s day and he should have his child with him the whole time.

Later on, I received the sms of a colleague whom I had invited join me for an artistic project. He answered he didn’t have time for the project, but he had time for sex if I was interested.

I am not.

But I was amazed that certain people can very easily say what they want when it comes to sex. And on the contrary, it can be complicated to show feelings and to create bonds.




June 4 – Love stories

Dear June,

I was to start with a renewed energy for work, and indeed, I did some important things, but let’s admit that I was kind of slow. Maybe I needed it.

I went to the Platform, the network of artists and producers I am connected to, where I met several semi-collegues. During the coffee break, I had some exchanges on a different topic: love. What makes a love story great?

Duration? Intensity of feeling? Passion? Dedication? Sexe? Intimacy? Sharing? All of them? Something impossible to grasp?

The first story was that a friend shared, was about a love story of the airplane; not a “one night stand”, but a “one trip love”. A person is sitting next to you. He doesn’t even have the looks you like. And then, in the economy class where you are really close to others, you fall asleep. And you lean on this person. And he doesn’t take his arm away. Somehow it feels reassuring. And then you open your eyes; and close them again, keep leaning, and the arm is still there until you arrive in your destination.

This, for my friend, is the definition of a perfect love story. She didn’t even try to exchange contact information with the stranger. A reassuring presence with a physical aspect. She probably didn’t want to admit to herself and to him how much this meant to her. Show her vulnerability.

I have a between fantasy and reality romance. And I decided I want to be brave and show my vulnerability and feelings, gradually. It is a risk. Not to be rejected, this sometimes is even a relief. Not to be hurt. I have been hurt. Or to loose the fantastic “in love” feeling, where I fly on the top of the buildings as if I have taken some form of drug. There is the risk of being loved back and a risk of changing my life!

The risk of falling into the kind of person that makes me feel great! What happens then? I would need to ask people in loving and enduring relationships to explain.

I have heard cases of falling out of love stories, but the question is:

What is the ingredient that maintains the in-love feeling ? That creates the best love-story?

Could it be compared to something nourishing a flame so that it keeps burning?

Would you have any suggestions?


Love Wallpaper Backgrounds Wallpaper



May 27-Love as a source of motivation

Dear May,

after a first part of the day where I did almost everything in my power for one of my artistic event projects, where appointments were succeeding each other, my level of motivation went down significantly. Is this effort going to succeed? Am I moving to stay in the same spot?

I knew my working day was not over, but I found it difficult to concentrate and write. Yes, I admit that my writing has been affected by this motivation slope. I went out for coffee with a friend, but things didn’t improve because she mentioned that if B, my favorite guy, doesn’t find time for me, he’s not interested. That was enough to bring me to an even lower level.

Right now, B seems to represent some of the things I love: sociable, family person, warm, positive. I am not ready to think of someone else. I need more time to realize if I just project on him elements I like, or if I can relate to in a meaningful way. If I can grow to the person who is capable to really meet him.

Being in love with a person, or a dream, can be a tremendous source of motivation, but when this love is not being answered, it is extremely painful and demotivating.

Of course there is the love of God, creation, nature, all that it exists and makes the world go round. But the “in love” feeling is a type of concentrated formula, an explosive serum of love.

If I see something, or someone that I like, my whole being is submerged with desire. The kind of desire also needed for writing.

How can we keep up this motivation, be constantly “in love” with our objective?

How can we stay “in love” with our growing and extending self?



May 16- Into the woods 3- the Luxembourg garden

Hello dear May,

Yes, I did write for two hours, as I committed myself to do yesterday. At least that is the time I spent on my manuscript. I made a plan and took notes. Instead of working on one topic and stress on the way it advances, I decided to experiment working on three topics simultaneously. They are different, but complementary at the same time.

I did well of that. At lunch time, I was in the whereabouts of the Platform, where a lot of artists, producers, and event organizers meet. I went to the Platform café where I run into N again. N, in case April has not told you, is a guy I have some difficulty communicating with. Yes, I have been attracted to him in the past but we didn’t share a common language. He seemed to like me too, but he was criticizing my lifestyle and I was defensive about it.

Anyway, he confirmed that he will come to my summer event, which is great. He even thinks of spending part of his holidays on the spot, in the south of France, and will arrive two weeks earlier, with friends. He asked me for contacts in order to rent a place to stay.

I will put him in touch with one or two people. I was warm, but business-like and tried to find if he could help other participants with cheap flight/train tickets. He refused, saying he could only find a way out for himself.

But my question is not N. My question is B, my favorite guy. Will I be able to get out of my business-like talk and show some emotion? Will I be capable to tear down the wall that is supposed to keep me safe but also keeps me apart?

B, I don’t care if you like my events or not. (Ok, you’d better do). Let’s go out for a walk, leave your mom and friends for a while and let’s kiss in to the woods.

The weather is beautiful, the sun is shining this weekend and the birds are singing.

So should we!

Photo de l'équipement Jardin du Luxembourg - Horaires d'ouverture