April 7, 2015- Self Esteem and the smile of the Cheshire Cat

Oh dear April,

have you doubted about yourself? Saying maybe March is the first month of Spring, and then May brings the roses, etc, what am i doing in the middle? No recognition at all?

Never thought of it? So much the better…

Well today I was kind of obsessed with the idea of the evaluation of my last project. It will be sent to me in a … month.

I started thinking of the worst scenarios. Maybe it is bad. Maybe my enemies in Paris, no, France, have come together and decided my ideas are not at all interesting, original, comprehensible. A shame to all the illustrious artists ever breathed in France and abroad.

Maybe they found my project arrogant, shameless, a sort of blasphemy to … whatever should ever be respected!

How could I face this mountain of imaginary criticism?

Well, in the past, I have been traumatized with the idea that I am alone with my little flame.

A flame which has been judged for not being clear, beautiful, possible to communicate.

I have angered people because I disagreed and fired back. I have faced haters. And although it is not something that happens to me every day, the memory of it is enough to make me deadly scared.

After all, it is as if they were saying: “April you are not accepted as a member of the artistic community of Paris. Your work is not worthy enough for… this important funding, and you may not hold this important position at this xxx museum”.

I am saying: look here is what I do, it is just a little bit different, let me join in and play with you.

I am between the desire for a community that will encourage me and the need to be creative in an independent way.

There are different forms of evaluations here and there.

How do we learn from them without getting destroyed every time we go through the process?

Maybe when we see ourselves as something much bigger than the work we present.

Our work might be our “child”, but still, we can remodel it and create new ones, all of them lovely, some more wonderful than others!

So, dear evaluators, you might criticize or not accept my work, but I am so much more, and I can still smile to you with it like the cat of the Cheshire Cat in Alice’s wonderland!

Tennel Cheshire proof.png


May 1- Welcome to Paris!

Welcome dear May!

I spent the first part of the day preparing my luggage and I got myself on the train in the afternoon: direction, Paris! The hometown visit was a big chapter in April, but it was time to end it.

Seated in my place, I had enough time to reflect on my stay. From a practical point of view, I submitted an application for funding and got some answers considering my novel’s publication.

Ok, but is this enough? To be honest, I need to work more hours, the hometown stay was close to a holiday. There was some laziness and indulging in negative feelings, involved.

Yes, but some laziness is important, letting our mind wander to capture new ideas, energies, colors, people! Working under pressure is not very productive either. It is so precious to be able to create one’s own world, we are so lucky to have imagination to serve us! And then we can come back to reality and share our creation.

When I arrived in Paris in the evening, it was raining heavily; nothing to do with the South. But hey, it is May first! Muguet flowers were sold all over the place, and people were out for drinks and walks.

I met briefly with a friend and then went for a drink by myself in the Saint Germain area. I felt a feeling between loneliness and happiness. I would have liked to share this moment. But I am happy to be back.