June 1rst, 2016: Getting my self-confidence to work for me

Welcome June!

what if it’s cold and rainy in London, summer has arrived! And I will need your full suport for my plans, so listen carefully and come up with useful advice!

I had a meeting with an old friend and successful artist, who has built an international career; he has been presenting his work in different parts of the world. When we had first met we were both at the beginning, but it seems that my way had more road blocks. He evolved mainly in the States, I was in France. Now, he has become curator for a very avant-gard museum and also finds time for his work.

Somehow I felt stressed up at the end of this lunch, comparing his it to my situation.

Not again April, you might say.

Yes I know, I am more than lucky and grateful to find myself in London, but greed seems to be part of our culture; I want MORE

Is more better?

I need my self-confidence to work for me instead of sabotaging me. Is it worthwhile wondering, is my writing good enough? Is it going to be recognized by some powerful figure who decides on allocation of resources?

How about getting my power back and doing what I like better? The power figure is me!

Will my self-confidence be my personal trainer and coach?

 

Building Confidence

Developing Self-Confidence from within

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December 10- Do men search for control in a relationship?

Dear December,

I feel kind of puzzled after a discussion with a friend on relationships. She is older than me, and was insisting that in her experience, if a woman wants to be in a relationship she has to step back and give a man the first place in everything.

According to my friend, who is Spanish, men, at least in France need to feel superior to women. Women have to show them admiration, and show them they are the boss.

Ok, I have seen that happening at the professional environment, with older men, for example the wannabe boss. Especially those in a position of power who are not really confident on themselves and try to feel good by degrading their hierarchical “inferiors”. But not everyone is like that.

In relationships?

What if we do something that we consider worthwhile? Do we need to play it down so that our partner doesn’t feel threatened?

I don’t like this account, but in reality I don’t know if there is truth in it or not.

Let’s say that I don’t have enough experience in a long-term happy relationship.

Is it idealistic to believe that people can feel good together without having to prove that someone is the boss?

In this sense, dating a guy would be possible only if you have a “traditional” role where you don’t have any form of career. Be less than him in anything important… Hide your talents..

This has to do with comparison and not with opening our hearts. Is it how it works?

Why do we have to compete?

And then I got another advice from another friend, a man this time who told me on the contary to take initiatives in case I like someone. Invite him out for a drink for example. Normally he should be flattered. And then if he says nothing, at least I will be clear on that.

I also have a German friend, a man, who also advised me to be directive and not loose time. If someone doesn’t want to go out with me, it is because he is not interested in women 🙂

I feel inclined to believe him 😉 But should I?

http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-81564211/stock-vector-man-woman-love-the-relationships-between-men-and-women.html

man woman love.the relationships between men and women - stock vector

July 16- Happiness, Confidence, Comparisons

Dear July,

do you ever compare to June and August, or rather to November and January? Just a question… I was relfecting on comparisons on May 3 and my point was that comparisons are important, but we need to be careful who to compare with.

We categorize certain things by comparing them with something else that remains stable. That is how we take mesures. And we know we have grown. Or gained weight. We are taller, shorter, fatter, thiner, than before, or more, less, than X, Y, Z. Should this tell something about our value? Not particularly. Deciding that something is more valuable than something else, is an arbitrary decision.

Today I compared myself with someone who is working on the same corridor of the Platform, (the network of artistic event organizers), and I felt some sort of injustice. Because he had a contract and I didn’t. But then I was happy to have more freedom and my own way with things. Did I have to do that? Why not just say hello and go my way?

Because he is new, and wanted to understand who are the other people around. What is their role. Compare.

What if I were the tallest, most beautiful, richest, most talented -according to a number of criteria- most powerful person of the corridor? Or of the whole floor? Or of the Platform?

Would this be enough to assure my self-confidence and make me happy?

What is it compared to the whole universe?

Maybe there is another way to assure confidence and to look for happiness 😉

P.S. https://april4june6.wordpress.com/2014/05/03/may-3-the-awakening/

https://i0.wp.com/photos.tuxboard.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Illusion-Optique-point-orange-plus-grand-ou-plus-petit-illusion-Ebbinghaus.jpg

May 3- the awakening

Dear May,

Am I doing well? You are reputed for beautiful flowers, so I am going to use the example of this optical illusion to make my point. Is the orange circle bigger in the first or the second flower? I would say the second is bigger, although I know, it is illustrating an illusion. The orange circles are similar.

It is a question of perspective.  This is why comparison is important. But we need to have different reference points to make useful comparisons.

For example, that is why standing close to different kind of people is so important. With a shorter person, I feel taller. With a group of taller people, I am short.

Other people can be important as reference points, but we need to avoid comparisons similar to optical illusions.

For example, when I compare with X I can see myself as clairvoyant: this person seems unable to acknowledge how lucky she is in her job because of her lack of appropriate reference points. She is offered a position that is an advancement in time of crisis. She is progressing compared to her colleagues. But instead, she is unhappy, comparing with what used to be the job market 10 years ago.

But then, maybe I am having the same attitude in another area of my life. I don’t recognize how lucky I am with my friends or this person interested in me. Because my reference points are not very developed and I am lost in some kind of illusion.  I might look for someone who resembles my ideal of the time I were an adolescent. As if  I have not updated my ideal profile 🙂

That is what I realized after having two discussions on life, work and love, this Saturday in Paris, in different cafés. In the first café, I was reflecting on the behavior of another friend. In the second, I realized I am having a similar attitude to the one I was disapproving of.

In a way, I am victim of an illusion.

That is why friends and different reference points are so important.

To reveal illusions.

 

https://i0.wp.com/photos.tuxboard.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Illusion-Optique-point-orange-plus-grand-ou-plus-petit-illusion-Ebbinghaus.jpg