November 6, 2019- Unbottled feelings

Dear November,

my feelings range from excited, to fear, to angry, to sad, to happy. I am trying to decide if I should move closer to my new job. If I should stay in my new job. If they appreciate me in my new job.

Is there a moment to doubt? Ok let’s be honest with myself. I worked for about a year in this direction. Why do I start doubting?

Because I have a fear of commitment.

What if I feel alienated?

If they don’t understand, etc, me?

If I find it too difficult?

Maybe I am not good enough.

Or too different.

Something.

The funny thing with fears, when you stop to talk to them, is that they come from different directions.

How can it be both too difficult and I too good for it? Or not challenged enough?

It’s like dating someone we don’t feel attracted to, and then feel offended if this person wants to break up.

How dare you?

I was too good for you, to begin with.

So?

So, now I am here, where I am.

I think that I can look at this present, and love it for what it is.

Not what it should be.

Not what it will be.

How will I give it a serious chance to succeed?

Is moving out of London too destabilising for now?

I feel secure to be close to my old neighbourhood.

To keep something constant in the name of change.

A Modern Dilemma

https://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/lifematters/features/modern-dilemmas/