have you ever felt guilty? Not doing enough of the things you should have done to honour your name? Not enough brown leaves, Not yet Christmas, if you compare to December.
Comparison with others, is something that I have already written about. But comparing to some imaginary standards that we impose to ourselves? That our family, friends, coworkers have?
When I was a child, I was feeling guilty because I was reading literature instead of studying for school. Or watching my favorite tv series. Or playing.
Pleasure was coming first. But, this pleasure was poisoned with guilt: I didn’t want to give up on being a serious student.
It is clear that for my parents, studying for school was essential.
Have I really changed?
Is it possible to both go all the way in the direction of our desires, and not feel dependable to someone else who expects something different of us?
When we live in society, things get complicated.
But feeling guilty for having fun, is not assuming who we are. Ok if our pleasure is self-destructive, like taking drugs, we should do something about it.
But what if it reveals our inner being?
Or we simply do something nice for ourselves? Do we have to justify it?
If I have too many expectancies of myself, I am never good enough, worthy to be loved; that is what it means.
As if I failed myself in an imaginary exam.
What if life were a birthday party instead of an exam?
Do we have to be worthy to get a birthday present?
I think we all deserve one.