April19- Easter chocolate

Dear April,

yes, it is Easter in my family, and we spent much time cooking and discussing tomorrow’s lunch.

Apart from my parents, two aunts are going to be present.

You want to know if I advanced with my projects?

Yes, I got in tough with my US mentors. Both agreed that they will help my first application next week. I spent the afternoon on skype with mentor no 1, discussing possible ways to get me a funding or job based on my experience.

Both of them are interested in coming to Paris for a tour. The only thing I need is to convince the Big Boss of the platform.

I went out for coffee and smiled here to new faces that appeared -yes, it is also possible in my hometown- but I seemed devoted to my emails and didn’t know how to establish a contact.

I also start to feel impatient, I somehow need more action, and chocolate bunnies are probably those who will pay the price of this impatience.

 

Advertisements

April 18- vacation mood

Hello April,

Yes, I admit that I have almost sunk into a vacations’ mood.

Apart from checking my emails and deciding about priorities, writing was limited, apart from these few lines. I managed to contact my two mentors and planned to skype tomorrow with one of them. Yes, I have two mentors who live in the States and occasionally advise me, although things in France are so different. They are a kind of fairy godparents who have a different sphere of influence.

Nevertheless, I try to book them for a next year event in Paris.

What did I do? I spent most of the day with my family, having lunch, dinner, fighting, discussing, waiting, deciding about Sunday’s lunch: Easter!

April 17- beginning of a cycle?

Dear April,

your mood was changing today, rain, sun and wind. So was mine.

It is something to come home from time to time, and observe the changes, some unwanted and others wished for, in a place and the people who inhabit it. It is also a way to measure changes in myself.

In your case, also, April, you are part of a cycle, you represent spring, you stay with us for a while, and then go, but we know you will be back in a while.

My friend D emailed me that he is not coming to visit. He has to take a professional trip to Sweden. I was a bit disappointed. D is someone I see twice a year, more or less, he is living in Switzerland. When we meet there are a lot of things to discuss, but he doesn’t really stay in touch when he is away. He is also like a month who is calling on you once a year. I would like to see if we could have a communication at a deeper level, and if his cycle could be shortened.

There is also a cycle concerning my job applications. It is the moment of the year when I am most busy with funding projects and sending my CV to those who might be interested.

How about cats who are looking for a partner or humans who become more amorous in spring? Is there a cycle for this too? Nietzsche ’s eternal return?

Spring could return, and there are habits and people who move in cycles.

But it is also important to change cycles that don’t bring growth. And a small difference every day could produce a huge change.

I want you back April. But I would like you to find me different.

In a way that we would both like.

 

April 16- Hometown neighbours

Hello April,

I have two deadlines related to job- search: one is for April 24 and the other for the end of May. Today I have checked them and started updating my CV. There are people I need to contact, to put a word for me, the sooner the better.

The other thing I did was to meet with a work associate from my hometown, to discuss our summer event; an old friend who initially asked me to join the event organization. This is great, but we are still at the beginning. We put together a list of the artists we would like to involve, including ourselves, of course. As for the funding, I need to finish writing our proposal.

We met at one of the local cafés.

As I stepped out, I run into the father of an old schoolmate who was trying to find out everything he could about my life in Paris, without asking direct questions. And I tried to stay polite without answering him. Quiet an art.

Yes, my hometown is a small place.

If you go for bread, or sit in one of the cafés, there is a big chance to be nearby someone who knows you, or your parents, … and who would like an update.

I wouldn’t exactly call it a village, but it is close.

With the advantages and disadvantages a small place has.

Globalization is important, but in the small town, there is also a different temporality.

People live a lot for and with their neighbours. There are neighbours I love: an older man, for example, who encourages my writing and has proclaimed himself my grandfather. Or the local pharmacist.

But there are also others, with daughters my age who are just curious and want to compare us and decide: Am I more or less successful? Beautiful? Rich?

What on earth am I doing in Paris? Why don’t I bring my boyfriend for inspection? What am I hiding?

I should have told them I am Spiderman’s new girlfriend. That might have calmed them down for a while.

 

April 15- first day in my home town: the spiderman syndrome

April, hello

First day in my hometown. Do you want to know how my transformation advances?

Spiderman could be a useful metaphor for this:

I am godmother to one of my dearest friend’s sons: Alexandre is 3 years and a half and a big fun of Spiderman. His parents disapprove of this interest but the grandparents let him watch a film with the superhero. And he was “bitten” by spider-mania.

So I had no choice than to buy for him a spider-present. I also told him my version of the spider-hero, whom I know in person. The part that caught his attention was the transformation. Future Spiderman started as an average boy; at least, that is what he felt about himself. This is also what the others perceived him to be.

But, the fact that a spider bites him, radio-active or not- is the first step of his transformation to a super hero. Was it a form of destiny? Could he have “chosen” not to transform?

It seems that getting his super powers is irreversible. The choice is what he decides to do with them. He could have ignored them and hidden them even from himself. He could have turned bad and tried to dominate all those he could.

So the question for me is: I have powers and talents.

Am I conscious of that?

And

What do I do with them?

 

April 14- visiting my hometown

April, how is it going?

Blossoming?

I had a dream tonight, that I went to my hometown and met a former schoolmate who got married and had three children. We were discussing what happened in our lives -hers who never left home- and mine who went to the big city to fulfil my destiny. We realized with had more in common than I could have thought.

In reality, I did go to my hometown, to visit my parents. I arrived late at night, took a taxi that was waiting at the train station, and had a long discussion with the taxi driver, between 1.00 and 1.30 in the morning. A woman in her mid-forties; married at 18, three children. Her husband died when she was 27. He was the love of her life-up to now. She never had a serious relationship after. She dedicated herself to her three children who now study, or work independently. She has been working as a taxi driver the last 20 years, sometimes night shifts.

She was happy with her life, made choices and fought for them.

So am I, in my way. There are things to improve. I am still looking for an independent income and my true love. But I followed the direction that felt important. I made mistakes and sometimes it has been painful. Loved, separated.

Time has passed. Important things have been accomplished. Others are on the way.

So, to answer your question, April: how am I doing?

I am becoming me…

 

 

 

 

 

April 13- Progress

Dear Sunday April,

what would you say about this week? Is there progress?

Last week we agreed that I have nourished limiting beliefs concerning love and work. Have I done anything to replace them with positive ones?

No 1 limiting belief: love is alienating. If you want freedom you have to do without.

What is my counter-argument? I can love other people in an empowering way: my friends, for example. I could try it for my partner. There must exist other individuals who are capable of the same thing!

No 2 limiting belief: working with others can be alienating because they try to dominate you. If you want freedom, you stay away from powerful dominating individuals.

Any objections? Yes, I can become an example of an open, empowering person for my associates; someone who can respect and value their point of view. If I can do it, someone else is capable of it too. I just need to be more trusting and meet influential people with concrete suggestions.

Any progress this week? Any actions?

Well, concerning work, there has been huge progress: I thought of a strategy and contacted influential people in my field who responded in an encouraging way. (They expect me of course to furnish some evidence).

And love? I have invited N to my summer event and tried to be less defensive than usually.
I have also encouraged D to visit me during Easter holidays.

Ok, you might object, but is progress just a question of quantity? Although some form of interaction is important, is there a qualitative difference?

Well yes, in realizing that I am defensive, sometimes, especially with people I find attractive, and I don’t need to. Afraid that my way of life is different, and that it might be rejected.

But everybody is different in a way.

Am I open and accepting towards others who don’t have the same opinions and views?

 

 

April 12- Into the woods

April hello again

April 12-“Into the Woods”

I have been ‘Into the Woods” tonight, in other words, to watch Stephen Sodheim’s musical at the theater of Châtelet in Paris. The music so beautiful, but  the script by James Lapine is a form of dilemma:

a. is what we wish what we really want and need?

b. are we happier when we get what we wish for?

Cinderella, Little Red Hood and some other fairy tale heroes are the main characters who face this dilemma.

In the case of Cinderella, that interests me more, she gets married to the prince only to realize that he is unfaithful, superficial and a pure egoist.

So what to do? She quits her job as a princess and decides to get together with a baker who recently lost his wife and raise his child. Oh, and she is ready to go back to her cleaning habits.

Seriously, Stephen and James is that what you wish for us women?

Are you telling me to forget the prince and the artistic projects and practice my cooking skills?

Ok, I admit that a prince that is chosen only because he has power, looks, and wealth, does not guarantee happiness. Once you get used to these attributes, they mean nothing.

So what does true love look like? Does it have to be the baker? Is he in any way “better than” the prince?

What am I looking for?

Feeling good, in every possible way, being completed and complementary, fulfilling a purpose together.

Is what we wish for what we need?

The only way to know is to make my wish come true and if not, then learn from experience and make another wish!

 

 

 

April 11- Pink Champaign

Dear April,

today’s post is like the Champaign that a friend greeted us with at the dinner party I went: pink. And the conversation that followed, took the form of its bubbles:

Love, passion, family, relationships, work. Relationship between parents and children. Between couples. Between future couples. Dating. Almost dating. Traveling, what have we left behind?

Friendship is a way to create an extended self, to share and reflect on our own experience.

Do we learn things on intimate relationships from conversations with friends? For years I thought no. Because I had friends without much experience from (love) life, like me, and our analysis was not of much use.

And now?

Now I take more risks. And my friends have more and more varied experiences.

Now I write a blog 🙂

And what of the rest of the day?

I managed to fix a meeting with an art director, in two weeks. It is another step in the direction of the job of my dreams. I don’t know how many steps there are, but I am moving.

The day left a nice flavour.

 

April 10- the exception to the rule

April bonsoir,

“You never know what path life takes”, told me a friend today, after I mentioned the negative predictions of the Argentinian artist, that I met earlier today.

The Argentinian was pessimistic: since the last time he was in Paris, three years ago, the situation appeared to him more difficult for independent artists. It might be better for you to move to another place, he advised me.

May be Brazil, or Northern Europe.

My other friend, on the contrary, was giving me examples of exceptions in cases that were considered hopeless.

Sometimes people say something, and it seems to be the rule, impossible to contest, but is it?

We would like to be the exception, but do we know for sure that a certain situation is the rule? Is it “scientifically proven”, a form of reality, out there, stronger than us? Do we have the knowledge, or do we prefer to conform with a rumor, than take the trouble to search?

Or is it us who make the rules by our everyday actions, dreams, networks?

Anyway, I made plans for an event with the Argentinian, beginning 2015, an artistic event that could bring together South-Americans and Europeans.

We are the exception because we make the rules